Flush Your Concerns
 
As a young head coach at Northwest University in 2001 with major resource challenges there were times when I got very frustrated.  At times, the more I focused on what we didn’t have, the more frustrated I became, and the more time and energy I spent being frustrated.
 
On one such occasion I was enthusiastically complaining to my Athletic Director.  Bruce stood and listened to me patiently until I ran out of steam.  Then he asked me to follow him.  We walked down the hall and into the bathroom, where he ushered me into a stall.  Then he told me to take all the things I had been complaining about and “throw” them all in the toilet.
 
I looked at him like he was crazy.  He told me again, to actually “throw” them in the toilet. 
 
So I “threw” it all in and flushed the toilet. 
 
He looked at me and asked “feel better?”
 
I realized I kinda did feel better.  More importantly I understood the lesson.
 
Dr. Stephen Covey calls it your Circle of Control vs. your Circle of Concern.  In a nutshell, it means differentiating and focusing on the things you have power over, and not wasting time and energy on the things you have no control over.
 
As a head coach I could control my attitude and effort first of all.  Those are possibly the most important things anyone can focus on.  I could control the way my team trained, the preparation they had for competition, the race plan that was given and the way I interacted with them. 
 
What I couldn’t control was how much money my program received, whether those outside my program cared about my program, or anything we didn’t have. 
 
However, I could control my own ability to find creative solutions to some problems, which gave me positive control.
 
How much energy, emotion, stress, frustration and time is wasted on the things we actually have no control over?  We have plenty in front of us that we do have control over, so by focusing on our Circle of Concern, we take away time and energy from our Circle of Control.  In other words, we undercut and sabotage ourselves. 
 
When we focus our energy on our Circle of Concern, we also play the role of victim, instead of hero.  Our thinking moves to “the reason I’m not as successful is because of them, or what I don’t have.”  It’s not our fault.  We’ve been wronged.  We’ve been held back.  We’ve been given a raw deal.  If it’s not our fault, then we don’t have to learn or solve our challenges.
 
When our focus is on our Circle of Control we empower ourselves.  We take responsibility for ourselves and are not much concerned with what others think or do.  This aligns us with our purpose and goals.  It also unlocks a level of creativity and problem solving that is key to being extraordinary.
 
Interestingly, my entire coaching career and the success I had was because most of the time I focused most of my thought and energy on my Circle of Control.  I found ways over, through and around the challenges facing me.  It’s how I transformed two of the most challenged collegiate programs in the country.
 
Yet, even with that mindset, frustrations mount.  And from time to time I had to take those concerns into the bathroom stall, “throw” them in the toilet, and flush them away.
 
I wrote this blog before the whole Corona Virus pandemic hit.  However, with everyone working through the effects of Corona Virus, it seems to be a timely message. 
 
You don’t have control over the economy or the virus.  You don’t have control over the politicians or other people.  You DO have control over your attitude, creativity and hope for the future.  Take all the things you don’t have any control over and flush them.  Then focus your attention and energy on your attitude.  Create plans and actions for the things you can do something about and know that this will pass and a great future is ahead.    Download the "Flush Tool" and see what you can flush during this challenging time.
 



​
Bill Taylor is a former NCAA I Director and Head Coach, with 30-years of incredibly successful athletic coaching experience.  He has a passion for seeing people reach levels of performance and success they never dreamed of.  He holds a Masters degree in Conflict Management.  He now uses his experience building athletic champions to impact leaders and executives in all roles and organizations as an Executive and Leadership Coach for Limitless Capability.​
 
To explore Executive and Leadership Coaching options or to sign up for Limitless Capability blogs, tips, news and specials, click here:   http://www.LimitlessCapability.com
Download the below "Flush Tool" here

Resources:

Book: 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Dr. Stephen Covey
https://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People-Powerful-ebook/dp/B07WF972WK/ref=sr_1_5?crid=2PDQKTB1UOG5V&keywords=7+habits+of+highly+effective+people&qid=1584990477&s=books&sprefix=7+HA%2Cstripbooks%2C277&sr=1-5
​
Card Deck: 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Resource Card Deck
https://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People-Anniversary/dp/1642500267/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=2PDQKTB1UOG5V&keywords=7+habits+of+highly+effective+people&qid=1584990566&s=books&sprefix=7+HA%2Cstripbooks%2C277&sr=1-1-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUExUFZRMlFUUUFDUldYJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwNzI2MzYyMzlFRjZFRVdHNEsyUyZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwMzcxMjQwMzZXMjZaOTNBMjZQMiZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX2F0ZiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=

​Conflict is a part of all relationships.  It is a part of life and cannot be avoided.  Some try to avoid conflict, which typically results in stunted growth or a much larger problem when they find that unresolved conflict doesn’t go away, it just grows.
 
Though conflict is often viewed as a negative, it is actually a necessary and needed aspect of moving the bar up.  It is unresolved conflict that escalates, endangers and destroys. 
 
Conflict can push the limits, open up lines of communication, resolve confusion, and build trust.  Conflict is required to have a culture of accountability, and a culture of accountability is required to succeed.
 
A leader that either avoids or mishandles conflict is unable to help their people grow and will not achieve the same level of success they can achieve if they understand how to effectively manage conflict.
 
In my career as a coach I handled conflict successfully and I failed dismally at handling conflict.  Both had consequences to my ability to coach successfully, to my ability to enjoy coaching, to my athletes ability to succeed, to my athletes ability to enjoy their sport and ultimately, to the level of success each group achieved compared to their true ability. 
 
For much of my career I left it to chance, not having a skillset to help.  In my experience and estimation, we succeeded in direct correlation to my ability to manage the conflicts I faced. Even when we faced significant conflict we still won, at least at the conference level, which makes it confusing because we looked very successful every season.  However, when we had extreme and unresolved or mismanaged conflict we did not achieve ALL that we were capable of and the enjoyment suffered greatly.
 
The decision to pursue my Masters degree in Conflict Management was by far the best academic decision I have ever made.  The content and tools learned in the program were immediately relevant to every relationship and interaction in life.  I learned more than I ever had before and I was able to immediately put into practice extremely effective tools.
 
This does not mean everything magically became perfect.  We call it Conflict Management rather than Conflict Resolution because there are never any guarantees.  Humans are involved.  Humans have free will and no matter what is done, sometimes humans choose to continue or escalate conflict despite the best efforts and practices to convince otherwise. 
 
Having even a few skills in conflict management will increase the chances that you keep conflict at a minimum.  It will dramatically increase the opportunities for positive outcomes from conflict situations.  Leader and employee satisfaction, confidence, and achievement will all be higher than they will without this skillset.  I would think every leader would like for themselves and their people to enjoy their career more, grow as people and reach higher levels of success.
 
To get a few tools into your conflict management toolbox, here are five quick tips you can and should use when you find yourself in a conflict.
 
Set a goal of finding a positive outcome, instead of having the goal of winning
 
If your goal is a personal win, to show that you are in charge or that you are the smartest person in the room, you may get your way, but you will probably lose…as will the relationship.  If you focus your energy on finding the best possible solution, often referred to as the “win-win”, you are more likely to get a positive resolution that lasts and that actually takes you and those in conflict to a better place than you would have been if the conflict had not happened.
 
Where Emotion is High, Resolutions are Low
 
One of the best classes I had in my Conflict Masters degree was a class on Communications taught by Dr. Jeff Thompson, a NYPD Detective and an expert in suicide and hostage intervention.  So much of that class became foundational tools for me in working effectively with people.  One of the most impacting things Dr. Thompson taught us was that in suicide and hostage situations one of the biggest goals is to do everything possible to lower emotion.  He said, no good decisions come from a state of high emotion, and if you think about that for a second you know it’s true and you can see examples of this everywhere.
 
So in any conflict situation one of the biggest goals you should have is to bring down the emotion.  You can do this by slowing down the process, being calm, by thinking through every word you speak, by using a positive assertive tone and by making connections with the other party.  Refrain from making assumptions and think about how your words might be received throughout communication.  When you feel your or the other persons emotions rising, take a breath, stay calm and try a different approach.
 
Active Listening is Key
 
Active Listening is an art, and a full explanation would be a paper in itself.  In fact, I highly encourage you to do a web search for high quality articles on active listening.
 
The biggest things that have stuck with me are to make eye contact and stay quiet.  While quiet actually listen to what the person is saying, as opposed to thinking about how you want to respond.  In fact, the moment you start thinking about how you want to respond, shut it down and make an intentional effort to listen.  Do not interrupt, no matter how much you want to.  I know there are times when you feel you have to defend yourself right now.  You don’t.  Be patient.  Then when the person has said what they want to say, respond with “what I hear you saying is…” That will either show that you listened and understood, or that you listened but they need to clarify.  Finally, by listening you are able to then ask relevant questions that can move the conversation to understandings and resolutions.  And asking questions is huge.  Ask open ended questions that allow others to explain and even think through how they are responding.  Asking open questions is a skill.  Practice it and it will be a huge tool to better understanding and bigger conflict management.
 
Below the Line
 
Part of Active Listening can be listening for what isn’t said.  In my blog “Below the Line” I go into detail on this concept and I encourage you to read that blog, as I believe this is one of the most important concepts in Conflict Management.
 
The Cliff Notes version is that sometimes what people say their problem is, isn’t really the problem them have, and they may or may not know this.  A conflict about filling out a log book for everything done during the day might not be about having to fill out the log book, but might instead be about feelings of respect, or control, or trust or concern about change.  If the dialog about the conflict stays above the line on what is stated, but the real problems are below the line, no resolution will work unless it accidently fulfills the below the line interests.
 
Always Show Respect
 
This means always.  Whether you are shown respect or not, show respect.  If you think you’ve just heard the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard in your life, show respect.  No matter what, show respect.
 
You aren’t likely to find a resolution if you show a lack of respect, and even if you do, you will have lost respect for yourself and will likely have just set up more and potentially bigger conflicts down the road.
 
Showing respect isn’t weak.  You can be politely firm when you need to be, while still showing respect.  Remember, you are a human.  You are fallible.  You have conflict with humans.  They are fallible.  The goal is to follow a path that leads to a win-win and to learn and grow from the conflict, not to die on the bridge.  Respect is essential and requires you to continually ask yourself if you are demonstrating respect for the party on the other side of the conflict.
 
Use these tools to give yourself a much better chance of managing a conflict to resolution and to using conflict to see better results. 
 
Don’t avoid conflict.  It doesn’t magically go away.  It smolders and lights other things on fire.  If avoided, it will likely burn everything down.  In other words, to avoid conflict is to face a far bigger conflict down the road.  It makes a lot more sense to deal with conflict early and often in an effective way.
 
Most people who avoid conflict do so because they are scared and don’t know what to do.  The five quick tools I’ve given should help.  They are a very good start for sure.  By committing them to memory and testing them out, your confidence and skill should grow.  I think you will find that being able to face conflict and manage it well could be the greatest skillset you possess as a leader.
 
So have a great conflict…and use it to take it to the next level!
 
 
Bill Taylor is a former NCAA I Director and Head Coach, with 30-years of incredibly successful athletic coaching experience.  He has a passion for seeing people reach levels of performance and success they never dreamed of.  He holds a Masters degree in Conflict Management.  He now uses his experience building athletic champions to impact leaders and executives in all roles and organizations as an Executive and Leadership Coach for Limitless Capability.
 
To explore Executive and Leadership Coaching options or to get help with Conflict Management, click here:   http://www.LimitlessCapability.com
​

From Bill Taylor, former NCAA I Director of Men’s and Women’s Cross Country and Track & Field, NAIA National Champion and National Coach of the year, MA in Conflict Management.
 
 
Conflict is a part of all relationships.  It is a part of life and cannot be avoided.  This is certainly true within the coach-athlete relationship.
 
In athletics the stakes are high, identities are on the line, expectations are great and in most cases the ultimate performance and result are completely public, for all to see.  These are some of the factors that fuel negative conflict for coaches.
 
After 30+ years of coaching at all levels, including 13 years at the NCAA I level, I can say with confidence and from personal experience that the opportunities for conflict in athletics, especially between coaches and athletes, are higher than ever.  Changes in culture, visibility, generational expectations and traits, media coverage, politics, accessibility, and more have opened these relationships up to an ever-growing list of opportunities for conflict.
 
I believe it is harder than ever to be a coach, much less a successful coach.  The “my way or the highway” approach that may have worked in the past will most often result in the coach being sent down the highway.  Coaches must have an understanding and a skill set to deal with conflict.  If they don’t, best case scenario is frustration and dissatisfaction, worst case scenario is losing their job, and in between is a wide range of negative impacts on performance, both individual and team.
 
Though conflict is often viewed as a negative, it is actually a necessary and needed aspect of moving the bar up.  It is unresolved conflict that escalates, endangers and destroys.  Conflict can push the limits, open up lines of communication, resolve confusion, build trust, and help a coach-athlete, coach-team or athlete-team move to the next level.  Conflict is required to have a culture of accountability, and a culture of accountability is required to succeed.
 
A coach that either avoids or mishandles conflict is unable to help their athlete(s) grow and will not achieve the same level of success they can achieve if they understand how to effectively manage conflict.
 
In my career as a coach I handled conflict successfully and I failed dismally at handling conflict.  Both had consequences to my ability to coach successfully, to my ability to enjoy coaching, to my athletes ability to succeed, to my athletes ability to enjoy their sport and ultimately, to the level of success each group achieved compared to their true ability.  For much of my career I left it to chance, not having a skillset to help.  In my experience and estimation, we succeeded in direct correlation to my ability to manage the conflicts I faced as a coach.  In most cases we still won, at least at the conference level, which makes it confusing because we looked very successful every season.  However, when we had extreme and unresolved or mismanaged conflict we did not achieve ALL that we were capable of and the enjoyment suffered greatly.
 
Many years ago, after facing a large amount of conflict on my team that I felt unequipped to handle, I decided to do something about it.  I was fortunate to coach at Lipscomb University.  The President of Lipscomb University, Randy Lowry, is one of the pioneers and most highly respected people in the field of Conflict Management.  When he took over as president at Lipscomb he created one of the top Conflict Management Master’s degree programs in the country.  I enrolled with the goal of equipping myself to better resolve and manage conflict between myself and my athletes and between my athletes. 
 
The decision to pursue my Masters degree in Conflict Management was by far the best academic decision I have ever made.  The content and tools learned in the program were immediately relevant to every relationship and interaction in life.  I learned more than I ever had before and I was able to immediately put into practice extremely effective tools.
 
This does not mean everything magically became perfect.  We call it Conflict Management rather than Conflict Resolution because there are never any guarantees.  Humans are involved.  Humans have free will and no matter what is done, sometimes humans choose to continue or escalate conflict despite the best efforts and practices to convince otherwise.  Some aspects of the big conflict I dealt with many years ago that motivated me to learn did get better.  Some aspects did not.  I was much more effective at dealing with conflict, but a lot of damage had been done and each situation is unique.  A few would not accept new ways of doing or thinking.  That is life, and you work your way through it the best you can and then move forward.
 
Having skills in conflict management will increase the chances that you keep conflict at a minimum.  It will dramatically increase the opportunities for positive outcomes from conflict situations.  Coach and Athlete satisfaction, confidence, and achievement will all be higher than they will without this skillset.  I would think every coach would like for themselves and their athletes to enjoy their sport more, grow as people and reach higher levels of success.
 
As I neared completion of my Masters in Conflict Management I was tasked with writing a Master’s Thesis on a subject in Conflict.  I did a ton of research and could not find any program and very little reference to Conflict in Athletics.  This was shocking to me. 
 
Athletics is a unique environment for conflict.  While conflict management concepts and skills are universal, their application is unique to each environment.  With the universality of conflict in athletics and the dramatic effect effective conflict management skills have on positive outcomes, I easily chose to focus my thesis attention on Conflict for Coaches.  The result was a thesis and a Conflict for Coaches course designed to teach coaches conflict management skills specific to athletics.
 
My thesis was very well received.  I earned the desired grade and completed my degree.  I had every intention of “actually doing something” with it, but I put it in a file and went on with life as a coach.  While I used the new skills myself, I didn’t have time (or didn’t take the time) to formalize the program or write the book.
 
Recently I made the decision to move on from coaching to devote myself to Limitless Capability, an organizational performance development consulting business that my wife and I founded a couple of years ago.  Though our business is focused on creating amazing onboarding and retention programs, executive coaching, business leadership development, intergenerational communication, etc. for businesses, we decided that I had to be all in with the Conflict for Coaches program.  We recognized the void in resources for coaches in this area and the great importance of this skillset.
 
It is easy to focus on the X’s and O’s of your specific sport.  The training plans and the game plans.  You can even spend time on all the super important small stuff that obviously gives your athlete or team a greater physical advantage.  Providing Sports Psychology support can help your athletes and teams prepare their minds for competition.  This is all very important.
 
But the coach athlete relationship is arguably the most important factor in success.  The ability for trust to extend both ways is the “secret sauce” that activates the training, psychology, physiology, competition, etc.
 
I used to ask my athletes how much of their performance they felt was mental.  A conservative response would be “50%”.  Then I would ask why they put 95% of their time and attention on the physical and ignored the mental?  I personally think that 90% of performance is mental.  That is not to neglect the physical at all, it is essential.  But the physical without the mental is a gigantic waste of time.  So athletes that spend all their effort on the physical aspect, while leaving the mental to chance, are at best really inconsistent and at worst and almost certainly achieving far below their best.
 
I would say the same to coaches regarding this subject of Conflict Management.  You could be the most brilliant coach in the history of the world at training or game plans or both.  If you leave your ability to deal with conflict to fate, you will fall far below what you and your athletes are capable of achieving and you will be much more miserable doing it.
 
I look forward to working with you to increase your skill set and confidence in dealing with Conflict for Coaches.