Conflict is a part of all relationships. It is a part of life and cannot be avoided. Some try to avoid conflict, which typically results in stunted growth or a much larger problem when they find that unresolved conflict doesn’t go away, it just grows.
Though conflict is often viewed as a negative, it is actually a necessary and needed aspect of moving the bar up. It is unresolved conflict that escalates, endangers and destroys. Conflict can push the limits, open up lines of communication, resolve confusion, and build trust. Conflict is required to have a culture of accountability, and a culture of accountability is required to succeed. A leader that either avoids or mishandles conflict is unable to help their people grow and will not achieve the same level of success they can achieve if they understand how to effectively manage conflict. In my career as a coach I handled conflict successfully and I failed dismally at handling conflict. Both had consequences to my ability to coach successfully, to my ability to enjoy coaching, to my athletes ability to succeed, to my athletes ability to enjoy their sport and ultimately, to the level of success each group achieved compared to their true ability. For much of my career I left it to chance, not having a skillset to help. In my experience and estimation, we succeeded in direct correlation to my ability to manage the conflicts I faced. Even when we faced significant conflict we still won, at least at the conference level, which makes it confusing because we looked very successful every season. However, when we had extreme and unresolved or mismanaged conflict we did not achieve ALL that we were capable of and the enjoyment suffered greatly. The decision to pursue my Masters degree in Conflict Management was by far the best academic decision I have ever made. The content and tools learned in the program were immediately relevant to every relationship and interaction in life. I learned more than I ever had before and I was able to immediately put into practice extremely effective tools. This does not mean everything magically became perfect. We call it Conflict Management rather than Conflict Resolution because there are never any guarantees. Humans are involved. Humans have free will and no matter what is done, sometimes humans choose to continue or escalate conflict despite the best efforts and practices to convince otherwise. Having even a few skills in conflict management will increase the chances that you keep conflict at a minimum. It will dramatically increase the opportunities for positive outcomes from conflict situations. Leader and employee satisfaction, confidence, and achievement will all be higher than they will without this skillset. I would think every leader would like for themselves and their people to enjoy their career more, grow as people and reach higher levels of success. To get a few tools into your conflict management toolbox, here are five quick tips you can and should use when you find yourself in a conflict. Set a goal of finding a positive outcome, instead of having the goal of winning If your goal is a personal win, to show that you are in charge or that you are the smartest person in the room, you may get your way, but you will probably lose…as will the relationship. If you focus your energy on finding the best possible solution, often referred to as the “win-win”, you are more likely to get a positive resolution that lasts and that actually takes you and those in conflict to a better place than you would have been if the conflict had not happened. Where Emotion is High, Resolutions are Low One of the best classes I had in my Conflict Masters degree was a class on Communications taught by Dr. Jeff Thompson, a NYPD Detective and an expert in suicide and hostage intervention. So much of that class became foundational tools for me in working effectively with people. One of the most impacting things Dr. Thompson taught us was that in suicide and hostage situations one of the biggest goals is to do everything possible to lower emotion. He said, no good decisions come from a state of high emotion, and if you think about that for a second you know it’s true and you can see examples of this everywhere. So in any conflict situation one of the biggest goals you should have is to bring down the emotion. You can do this by slowing down the process, being calm, by thinking through every word you speak, by using a positive assertive tone and by making connections with the other party. Refrain from making assumptions and think about how your words might be received throughout communication. When you feel your or the other persons emotions rising, take a breath, stay calm and try a different approach. Active Listening is Key Active Listening is an art, and a full explanation would be a paper in itself. In fact, I highly encourage you to do a web search for high quality articles on active listening. The biggest things that have stuck with me are to make eye contact and stay quiet. While quiet actually listen to what the person is saying, as opposed to thinking about how you want to respond. In fact, the moment you start thinking about how you want to respond, shut it down and make an intentional effort to listen. Do not interrupt, no matter how much you want to. I know there are times when you feel you have to defend yourself right now. You don’t. Be patient. Then when the person has said what they want to say, respond with “what I hear you saying is…” That will either show that you listened and understood, or that you listened but they need to clarify. Finally, by listening you are able to then ask relevant questions that can move the conversation to understandings and resolutions. And asking questions is huge. Ask open ended questions that allow others to explain and even think through how they are responding. Asking open questions is a skill. Practice it and it will be a huge tool to better understanding and bigger conflict management. Below the Line Part of Active Listening can be listening for what isn’t said. In my blog “Below the Line” I go into detail on this concept and I encourage you to read that blog, as I believe this is one of the most important concepts in Conflict Management. The Cliff Notes version is that sometimes what people say their problem is, isn’t really the problem them have, and they may or may not know this. A conflict about filling out a log book for everything done during the day might not be about having to fill out the log book, but might instead be about feelings of respect, or control, or trust or concern about change. If the dialog about the conflict stays above the line on what is stated, but the real problems are below the line, no resolution will work unless it accidently fulfills the below the line interests. Always Show Respect This means always. Whether you are shown respect or not, show respect. If you think you’ve just heard the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard in your life, show respect. No matter what, show respect. You aren’t likely to find a resolution if you show a lack of respect, and even if you do, you will have lost respect for yourself and will likely have just set up more and potentially bigger conflicts down the road. Showing respect isn’t weak. You can be politely firm when you need to be, while still showing respect. Remember, you are a human. You are fallible. You have conflict with humans. They are fallible. The goal is to follow a path that leads to a win-win and to learn and grow from the conflict, not to die on the bridge. Respect is essential and requires you to continually ask yourself if you are demonstrating respect for the party on the other side of the conflict. Use these tools to give yourself a much better chance of managing a conflict to resolution and to using conflict to see better results. Don’t avoid conflict. It doesn’t magically go away. It smolders and lights other things on fire. If avoided, it will likely burn everything down. In other words, to avoid conflict is to face a far bigger conflict down the road. It makes a lot more sense to deal with conflict early and often in an effective way. Most people who avoid conflict do so because they are scared and don’t know what to do. The five quick tools I’ve given should help. They are a very good start for sure. By committing them to memory and testing them out, your confidence and skill should grow. I think you will find that being able to face conflict and manage it well could be the greatest skillset you possess as a leader. So have a great conflict…and use it to take it to the next level! Bill Taylor is a former NCAA I Director and Head Coach, with 30-years of incredibly successful athletic coaching experience. He has a passion for seeing people reach levels of performance and success they never dreamed of. He holds a Masters degree in Conflict Management. He now uses his experience building athletic champions to impact leaders and executives in all roles and organizations as an Executive and Leadership Coach for Limitless Capability. To explore Executive and Leadership Coaching options or to get help with Conflict Management, click here: http://www.LimitlessCapability.com
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AuthorBill Taylor, former NCAA I Director of Men’s and Women’s Cross Country and Track & Field, NAIA National Champion and National Coach of the year, MA in Conflict Management. ArchivesCategories |